i had been in labor for what seemed like months, but "real" labor for about 24 hours before i was finally admitted during my doctor appointment (i was dilated to a 4). i had dreamed for nine months of the moment i gave birth to my baby... i couldn't wait to hear his cry, to see his scrunched up face & most of all to see the joy on michael's face as he saw his baby born.
my dad was out of town but joined the party in my room via telephone calls. my mom, allison, hillary, kitty, larry & katie were all there to share in ricky's first moments of life. we were reprimanded a few times by the nurses for "checking under the blankets", we were all curious/anxious to see how i was progressing & even had some bets going on as to when he would arrive. it was almost time, the delivery table was set up.
everything was fine, perfect, textbook actually... & suddenly it all went horribly wrong. i started to have breakthrough pain which prompted some questions from the anesthesiologist & an adjustment of my epidural. then, as well as i can remember they checked me & i had been a 7, and was now a 6... the baby started having de-cels. this didn't worry me at all because all of my children's heart rates had dropped during birth. but his kept dropping & dropping. it got down to the 70's & 2 nurses ran in. most of the rest is like a foggy nightmare... i do remember trying to ask the nurse what was wrong & if he was okay, & being completely ignored. that's when i knew it was bad. they decided to shoot saline into my uterus to try to give him artificial waters. they turned off the pitocin trying to stop the contractions to give him a rest because he was stressed... at that point the nurse told me that she didn't want to tell me everything was fine if it wasn't. the monitor was loud, it was all i heard. i laid there helpless as i heard my baby, my sweet baby slipping away. 60, 40, 30 20 then nothing. silence. she turned it down so i didn't hear it.
nurses everywhere. my whole family ushered out. there's no time for privacy. put these scrubs on. turn to your left, turn to your right. get up on all fours. i'll do anything. anything. save my baby. i'm the doctor... i am sorry to have to meet you under these circumstances. we are going to perform a crash c-section. code green. all hands on deck. clear the halls. running. helpless. sobbing. say a prayer. save my baby. save my baby. save my baby. we only have 4 minutes to get him out, we've already lost too much time. clear the halls. say a prayer. say a prayer. i can't lose him now. i won't survive this. where's michael? where's my husband? crashing my bed into the wall. back up. hurry up. OR2. hillary running along-side me. i'll be here when you get out. say a prayer, PLEASE! bright lights. 3 doctors. 12 nurses. 1 anesthesiologist. we've trained for this. where's michael. get him out! start cutting now! i don't care if i can feel it! save him. grabbing onto the anesthesiologists arm. save him. don't let her take the oxygen off.. cold on my belly. ripping the paper sheet. oxygen. intubation. suffocating. will he be here when i wake up? please, save my baby. hold on. fading away.
darkness.
i can't breathe. is he alive? where is he? i am dying. i can't breathe. the tube is still in. they can't hear me. where is my baby? you aren't dying. you can breathe. it's breathing for you.
darkness.
is he alive?
darkness.
back in my room. michael by my side. bring her baby in. he's only 5 lbs. 13 ozs. what happened? is he okay? i'm sorry you didn't get to be there michael. i'm sorry. i was with him. he's beautiful. everyone is outside waiting. they can't come in. she's too foggy. here's your baby.
he's perfect.
thank you God...
i love him so much...
my sweet baby boy.
i'm your mommy.
i would give my life for you.
